From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday