Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Not messing around
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]