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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
man i love columbo
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.