Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.