I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
You Might Also Like
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I bet birds love this building.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My support group can outdrink your support group.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses