No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no