If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”