I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
this is the best day of my life
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
never deleting this app.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040