Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy