Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.