Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
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“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“Wait, let me explain..”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
don’t we all
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example