My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*puts words between two asterisks*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
channeling her this year
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds