Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
my proudest tweet
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
channeling her this year