Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.