[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’m listening
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.