Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Bring back the McRib
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Nothing.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.