Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout