Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
The Onion called it…again.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.