If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Oh the world we live in…
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs