Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
You Might Also Like
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I cannot stop laughing at this
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.