“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
you gotta be faster
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Usage Guidelines
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain