[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.