I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You Might Also Like
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!