I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
You Might Also Like
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”