My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.