People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon