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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Room with a view.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep