*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
not to brag, but mine was free
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?