There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin