Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The future is now.