I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job