Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
#ProTip
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”