I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
? 💀
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.