Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.