#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?