The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.