Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Imagine having a party on purpose.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit