5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil