Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project