Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns