If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Am I having a stroke?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.