“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.