Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.