Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring