1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
taking June’s advice to heart
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.