me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.