Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
You Might Also Like
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference