*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
These are too funny not to post 😂
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when