“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
You Might Also Like
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
the world’s most popular steaming services
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.