Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.